Vibrators are for sex! Yes, solo or partnered. Masturbation, mutual masturbation, outercourse, or intercourse... All of these are opportunities to use a vibrator to enhance sexual pleasure. So, although you might be well-versed in using a vibrator alone, how do you use a vibrator during sex with somebody else?
While we’re all about making sure you come first, we can also endeavor to come together (or at least in the same session). Here’s a little guide on how to introduce vibrators into partnered sex!
Benefits of sex toys in your sex life with a partner.
First things first, using a sex toy during partner sex is not an indication of a bad sex life, nor is it a conclusion to unsatisfying sex. The point of vibing with your partner(s) is that you share the experience!
- Creates connection. Communicating and sharing a new, explorative experience can make things even more intimate.
- Breaks routine. In a relationship, it’s easy to fall into a rhythm you both know works, and a vibrator can bring back the buzz of excitement. Literally.
- Keep things playful! Sex is a fun, beautiful thing! Yet, you can often get stuck in your own head when with somebody else. Toys are a reminder to have fun.
- Learn about each other. Not only can you get to know each other’s bodies better, but you can also discover new ways to pleasure one another!
- Learn about yourself. Vibrators are a great tool to discover yourself, but sometimes having extra hands and eyes makes it easier to find new erogenous zones you didn’t think to stimulate.
- Reach orgasm. Most vulva owners need external clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, so penetrative intercourse can be a lot more orgasmic with a vibe to hand.
- Share the vibrator joy. Ever enjoyed something so much you couldn’t wait to tell your partner all about it? The same applies for your vibrator, you know.
Introducing vibrators and sex toys to your couple life.
Ways to start the conversation.
Now that taboos around sex toys are being broken, and you can shop your favorites in everyday spaces and places like beauty stores; it’s likely that you and your partner have already mentioned them, even if in passing. The vibrator conversation is more open than ever before and a completely normal one to have!
If you’re looking for starting points for such a conversation, consider the fun and informative ways to bring up vibrators with your lover:
- A majority of us use vibrators, more so if we have a partner! In a recent sexual wellness survey, 61% of women in a relationship and 46% of married women use a vibrator!
- The same survey showed that there is a positive correlation between using a vibrator and those that say that their partner knows their body well. It’s all about discovering more about each other.
- Sex toys are tools for sexual arousal and stimulation, just like sexting, lubrication, and watching porn is. Another way to have fun!
- The pleasure gap needs to close. While 95% of heterosexual men orgasm during intercourse, only about 65% of heterosexual women do. Sexual intercourse can be a whole lot more orgasmic for vulva owners if a vibrator is included! Why? Because most of us can’t reach climax through penetration alone.
- Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes, not just phallic shapes for internal use! They do not replicate or replace a partner during sex.
- Vibrators stimulate more than just the vagina or vulva! Any part of our body can become erogenous, and stimulating these spots can feel oh-so-good for both people with vulvas and penises!
Suggest using a vibrator with your partner.
Like anything in partner sex life, consent and communication is key. Asking to use a sex toy together can be a delicate question - but it should never be asked with shame! See it as an exciting opportunity and a way to share more intimate thoughts with your lover. What matters is that the decision is a mutually joyful one, that’s arousing and intriguing. Kickstart your couple’s vibrator journey together and suggest that you choose the sex toy together. This creates a special experience for both of you, where you can openly explore the erotic part of your relationship.
What if your partner is not receptive?
Sex therapist Casey Tanner reminds us that asking to use a vibrator during sex is not the same as saying that a partner isn’t doing a good job, you’re not attracted to a partner, they are not enough or you don’t want connection.
There are a few reasons why a partner may not be willing to listen to your suggestion, or shuts it down. Often, it’s toxic masculinity or the over-focus of penetrative sex. However, it could also be down to shame and trauma. Try to understand the root, and if your partner is willing to open up a discussion with you, great! Try some practical tips for good sex communication.
It could be that they’ve never used a vibrator before, and want to know how to use a sex toy for the first time. Curiosity, in this case, buzzed the vibrator - and sets you both up for some fun exploration.
Remember, you write your own sexual script - not a partner. Nobody should make you feel uncomfortable, or take that empowerment away from you. If that is the case, consider whether you really want to be having sex with that person.
How to choose couple’s vibrators.
Now for the fun part, choosing one! It might be that you have a favorite vibrator that you would love to share with your partner, as you know how good it is. However, there is something super special about taking the time to browse and shop together. Not only are you creating space to talk about your sex life without any physicality, but the act of vibrator shopping can build anticiaption and excitement too.
During this bonding session, consider whether it’s something your partner will use on you, you will use on yourself during partner sex, they will use on themselves or you can use on each other! Though, any vibrating tool can create some kind of stimulating erogenous sensation in our books - it’s good to consider where you might want to be using the vibrator. For example, if you’re keen to reach orgasm together during penetration, clitoral play could make that happen!
A helpful how-to-choose quiz will prompt you to consider the types of pleasure you both are looking for!
What are the best couples vibrators?
There are lots of options of vibrators to use together, and really any sex toy can be enjoyed together if you’re creating a shared experience. Here are our recommendations on the types to introduce into partnered sex.
A tongue vibrator is an explorative tool for outercourse that is designed for both of you. Use something like The French Lover to explore each other’s erogenous zones all over the body. Looking to tickle your fancy? This type of toy is a great way to explore sex play and tickle fetishes, too.
An intuitively shaped vulval vibrator is the perfect add-on to partner sex, as it doesn’t need too much explaining. Designed to cup a vulva and sit comfortably in the hand, The Ballerina never gets in the way. In fact, it could even sit between you hands-free.
A clitoris stimulator that ignites conversation and sensation. A flame-shaped vibrator like The Firefighter is a fun accessory to partner sex as it’s so unique, and will pique your curiosity. It focuses on the clitoris, but also sends vibrations to the labia. A great option for vulva-owners looking to use a vibrator on themselves during partner sex.
An innovative clit sucker makes outercourse extra exciting and sensual. Something that is as beautiful as it is pleasurable offers you both the opportunity to sit back and really take in the experience… and the view. The Poet air-pulse toy is shaped to be held in the hand, and comes with squeeze sensors to make the suction speed change seamless as you or your partner respond to the clitoral sensations.
Tips on using a vibrator during sex.
1. Stimulate your minds first.
Talking about how you want to use the vibrator together will get you both a little hot under the collar. Remember that for some of us, using sex toys during partner sex might sound a little intimidating. Creating a safe space to have a dialogue about what you are both comfortable and interested in is a great place to start and will enhance your intimacy and trust as a couple.
2. Create a secret language.
While you wait for your new friend to arrive there are ways you can continue to enhance your intimacy with your partner through touch, that will inform how you both use the vibrator later.
The three-minute game created by Betty Dodson is all about guiding your partner to how you like to be touched. Your partner asks you where and how you’d like to be touched and for three minutes they do what you have asked for.
This can be done fully clothed and does not have to be sexual at all. Maybe it feels great to have a light tapping on the back of your neck or a fast swirling sensation on the palm of your hand. Swap and find out what your partner likes. Maybe you keep swapping turns and it ends up in sex. Maybe not. Both are absolutely fine. The point is that you are both committing to learning what the other person likes. This game can be really fun and create a new closeness even for long-term couples.
Once you begin using the vibrator during sex together you will have a whole new vocabulary ready to use and will be a bit more comfortable expressing those physical desires.
3. Look but don’t touch.
Confidence, for most people, is a very seductive trait and knowing what you enjoy sexually will probably be a relief and a delight for your partner. Turn down the pressure and turn up the heat by giving them a little show for both your benefit.
Creating a little physical distance to communicate and guide your partner means that you start off on the same page about what you like. No one should just put up with something that doesn’t feel pleasurable!
4. Share your pleasure map.
Erogenous zones are unique to you so it may never occur to a partner that caressing a certain body part gets you over your edge...unless you tell them. Or better yet, show them. If you know that having your nipples stroked near orgasm makes the sensation much more intense for you, let them know that.
Again, this can be a show and tell or you can perform the touch on your partner to let them feel it for themselves. Who knows you might have some of the same preferences? It’s all about learning and enjoying the journey together!
5. Use a vibrator for long distance loving.
Just because we’re not in the same place as our partners doesn’t mean that we can’t have an intimate sensual connection. Tech has infiltrated every part of our lives and in many ways it’s making sex more thoughtful and inclusive. Phone sex, sexting or video chat are a great time to use your vibrator to help give you a sensation different to manually stimulating, as if you aren’t alone!
You can even make it a romantic event by setting the scene for each other and guiding them by sharing what you’d like to do if they were there. Remember that this kind of communication is a perfect way to organically share what turns you on, feels good and what you fantasise about.
6. Don’t rush.
Take the time to get to know the vibrator together, and see how it feels against each other’s bodies. Play through the modes and speeds to suss out what you’re both working with, and see how you both react. Perhaps there’s one that both raises your eyebrows and excites you!
7. Add to oral.
Once your partner gets comfortable with your new friend you may decide to experiment a bit more. Receiving oral sex while being stimulated with a vibrator is a combo that takes a little practise but it will be worth it! Give them a helping hand by ensuring the vibrator you use is silent, after all it will be very close to their ears! While you return the favour, using a vibrator around the perineum (the spongy area between the genitals and anus) or directly on the anus can unlock a whole new world of pleasure as there is a treasure trove of nerve endings here.
8. Cleanliness is best practise.
Sex toys should be cleaned between every use. Bear in mind that if you are using a vibrator with different partners, it’s safe-practise to use a condom to protect against STIs. Similarly, if you are using a vibrator that works both vaginally and anally then wash the vibe or change the condom before moving from one to another (even when using an internal vibrator alone, some people use a condom as it’s less clean up). Be sure to disclose any allergies and check with your partner too as not all lubricants are body safe and some vibrators contain unfriendly materials.
9. Check in after, too.
Keep the dialogue open after your first (and every!) time that you use a vibe with a partner. Asking how it was, what they liked or didn’t means that you can continue the vibrator curiosity and discover more about your sex life together. A powerful way to enhance the way we communicate about our pleasure!
Sex positions with vibrators you should try.
1. Vibe humping.
Think dry humping, but with a vibe between you both. You can even keep underwear on to add a layer and build familiarity to the vibrations. Take it up a notch and sit on top of each other and grind against the vibe and your lover. Use lube to increase sensation and decrease friction!
2. Double oral.
Want to be kissed in two places? If your partner has a vulva, lay beside them and give them double the oral. Use a clitoral suction toy to replicate a real mouth between their legs, whilst you kiss and caress them up top. This position can be very sensually connecting as you’re able to make eye-contact.
3. From behind.
A clitoral vibrator can be used seamlessly during vaginal or anal intercourse, especially if the penetrative partner stands behind. In a doggy-style position you can hold the vibe yourself, or your partner could reach around to hold the vibrator in place.
4. Add a buzz to missionary.
Slip a clitoral vibrator between you and your partner in a classic missionary position. Your bodies so close together may even hold it there so you can both go hands-free, with more ways to caress each other instead.
5. Big spoon, little spoon.
Love a spoon? No matter who takes big or little spoon, this position means you can come close together (physically and physiologically). Both being on your sides allows for lots of wriggle room to find a comfortable position, maybe reaching around to use the vibrator on little spoon - or reaching between your legs to hold against big spoon.
Ready to bring the good vibrations into partner sex? We hope this guide helps highlight the pleasure and opportunity to be had when it comes to using a vibrator with a lover. Three really is a party! Couples that vibe together, have fun together! Two can play that vibrator game! Okay, we’ll stop now...
